How to release the guilt you feel while pregnant after loss + post-partum
Guilt. As women, we are dripping in it. We carry it everywhere we go. These pebbles (and sometimes boulders) of guilt are picked up by us along the way, they’re handed to us by other people, society throws them at us to catch, and we put them in our pockets and store them away. And eventually our pockets get so heavy, and we’re so weighed down, that we can hardly walk.
I work with a lot of women on a daily basis, and guilt is the one thing that gets mentioned in every single conversation, without fail.
When I originally started drafting this blog, I had called it MOM GUILT. But what I’m actually talking about goes deeper and wider than this. It’s experienced by all women in abundance. Yes, our male counterparts experience guilt, but for some reason, we carry more and we hold onto it. Just a quick search of the hashtags on Instagram shows that #dadguilt has 1,000 hits, as opposed to #momguilt, which has in excess of 300,000.
So, let’s explore the common things we feel guilty about when we’re pregnant after infertility or loss, and during early motherhood, and then I’m going to give you a little reminder or affirmation, to help you reduce the guilt in each instance.
Because guilt assumes that you have done something wrong. And you haven’t. Let’s get all those pebbles you’ve been holding onto out of your pockets, and let’s start skimming them across the water. They are not yours to hold anymore.
During pregnancy after infertility or loss, we feel guilty when -
We do anything that could have the potential to harm our baby i.e. eating something we’re not supposed to, sleeping on our back, having a bath that it too hot, falling down the stairs. We are on hyper-alert during our pregnancy, and there are so many rules involved. Not to mention that there is so much conflicting information on what you can and can’t do. So when you panic about something you accidentally did, remind yourself - I am human, and I am doing the best I can to take care of my baby.
We stress too much, feel more fear than excitement, or think negative thoughts (because we may have just jinxed it). When you start to feel guilty about how you should or shouldn’t be feeling, remind yourself - I have been through a lot to get here, and it’s understandable that I am feeling this way, because this is important. My thoughts and my stress will not cause a loss.
We aren’t able to show up for work / our family / our friends / in the same way we could before getting pregnant or experiencing infertility or loss. It’s hard when you’re used to being capable of doing it all, and then all of a sudden, you don’t have the energy or the motivation. So, when this happens, remind yourself - I am growing another human, which is taking all my energy right now. I have the rest of my life to be an amazing support to others, but right now I am focusing on supporting the growth within me. It is okay to do less when I am coping with more.
We feel happy that we’re reaching certain milestones in this pregnancy, when our previous baby(s) didn’t make it. Pregnancy after loss is a mixture of emotions – it’s grieving and being grateful at the same time. When you start to feel the guilt come up, remind yourself - my happiness for this pregnancy does not wipe out my grief or the memory of my previous loss(es). My heart has room for all my babies to be held, and they will never be forgotten. It’s ok to feel happy, because this baby deserves to be celebrated too.
We need a reassurance scan, or need to message our doctor to ask them a question about a symptom we have. We worry that they’ll think we’re being silly. When this happens, remind yourself - anything I can do to reduce my stress levels and provide me with relief, is going to help my baby. It is ok to get confirmation and ask questions. I am doing this because I love my baby and want them to be safe.
We’re jealous of other people who can enjoy their pregnancies, and don’t know the pain of pregnancy after infertility or loss. Instead of punishing yourself for feeling like this, remind yourself - it is ok to wish that I had a smoother path to pregnancy like others have had. It does not make me a bad person.
We set boundaries and tell our parents or friends our wishes after baby arrives (in terms of visitors, having vaccinations, wearing masks etc). If this comes up against resistance, feel free to remind your friends and family that giving birth is one of the hardest things your body will ever do. You will have hormones coursing through your body, and you have a newborn baby to attend to and keep alive. This is a big adjustment period for you. And when you start to feel guilty, remind yourself - I need to do what is best for my body, my mental health and my baby right now. I worked hard for this moment, and I get to experience it in the way that feels comfortable for me. I am not responsible for other people’s reaction to this.
And as if that wasn’t enough guilt, when our baby comes along, we feel guilty when -
We struggle to breastfeed. It gets drilled into us that breast is best, and that breastfeeding is one of the most natural things our bodies do. But it’s not. It’s fucking hard!!! So when you start to punish yourself and think there is something wrong with you, remind yourself - I have never done this before, and nor has my baby. We are learning together. It does not matter how I feed my baby. The only thing that matters is that my baby is being fed, however that is.
We struggle to get our baby to sleep. There’s nothing like a lack of sleep to make us feel like we’re failing at this – there is a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. So, when you’re at your wits end, remind yourself - a hard night means less sleep - nothing more. It does not mean I am failing at this, or that I’m a bad mom. This is not going to last forever.
We get frustrated with our babies (for not eating or sleeping). It’s normal to feel frustrated when someone isn’t doing what you want – and on top of a lack of sleep you’re probably experiencing, it’s understandable. When you feel guilty for being frustrated, remind yourself - my frustration is coming from a place of love for my baby. I want them to sleep and feed so they can grow and thrive, and because I want the best for them.
We can’t work out how to settle our baby. We should be able to figure this out! For me, all cries sounded the same and what worked one day to settle them, didn’t work the next day. It’s hard when they won’t tell you what’s wrong. So, when you start to feel like you’re doing it wrong, remind yourself - babies are unpredictable and just because I’m struggling or have a bad day, does not mean I am a bad mom - it means I am human. I am doing all I can to try to figure this out – and that’s all I can do.
We need time away from our babies. It’s normal to miss the freedom of being able to go to the toilet when we want, sleep through the night, finish a cup of coffee before it gets cold, and eat a meal with two hands. Here’s something to remember also - research has shown that women who spend time on themselves have a greater capacity to care for their children. So, when you start to feel horrible because you need a break, remind yourself, I am human, and I am not just a mom, which means I have needs of my own. I am taking time out from my baby so I can be a better mom.
We resent our partner for still being able to have a life and enjoy most of the freedoms they had before. We resent them for their ability to sleep through the sound of a crying baby at night, for not having their nipples bleeding, or their private parts destroyed…….(etc etc…..I could go on and on here). When you start to feel this, remind yourself, it is ok to wish that things were easier for me. I will ask my partner for help, and allow them to take on more of the load, because we are partners.
We need help. It’s crazy, but most of us feel like we should be able to do this alone. But we can’t – it’s too much. So when you start to feel guilty for needing some support, remind yourself, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. We all need help, because this is really hard.
We don’t enjoy every single moment of motherhood, despite working so hard for it. It’s such a high expectation to enjoy motherhood, especially in those early days. You don’t have to enjoy the sleepless nights, cracked nipples, endless worries, and post-partum recovery. When this comes up, remind yourself, just because I am not enjoying every moment, does not mean I’m not grateful or that I don’t love my baby. No one enjoys every part of motherhood. It is ok to aim for moments of enjoyment in amongst the hard times.
There are so many more things we feel guilty about, but these are the ones I hear repeatedly.
Guilt is such a heavy emotion to carry, and it’s a pointless one too. It’s a form of suffering that we subject ourselves to. This journey you are on is freaking hard. Work out what you can control, and what you cannot. And grab those pebbles of guilt you’ve been storing in your pockets and throw them away. You don’t need them anymore.
Because you are doing a great job, no matter what it looks or feels like.
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