The Truth about Pregnancy after Infertility or Loss
When I struggled through my pregnancy, I wondered why it was so hard. I assumed it was because I wasn’t doing my daily gratitude practice or meditating enough. I figured that I was doing it wrong. Or that I just wasn’t strong enough.
I felt guilty that I wasn’t enjoying it more, because apparently, pregnancy is supposed to be the most magical time in your life. I certainly didn’t feel that pregnancy glow that people talk about. And then I punished myself a little more.
If you’re currently pregnant after infertility or loss, I want to share what I wish I had known during my pregnancy. So, you can lighten the load you’re holding onto, and stop blaming yourself.
Here are some truths about pregnancy after loss.
You may feel disconnected from your pregnancy or your baby. I certainly did. This is normal and understandable given the path you’ve travelled down to get here. Closing ourselves off is a self-protection mechanism. It’s your heart and your heads way of trying not to get too far ahead of yourself, because the last time you did that, you had your hopes and dreams shattered.
Pregnancy after infertility or loss is different. It may look the same on the surface to an ordinary bystander, or even your doctor. But the innocence has gone. You know that two lines on a stick do not automatically equal a baby. And you know all the things that can potentially go wrong because of your first-hand experience, or the stories you’ve heard from the communities you’re a part of. And because it’s different, it requires a different level of expectation. You don’t have to fit your pregnancy experience into the same box as everyone else. You get to do what feels comfortable for you. And more importantly, it’s ok if you don’t enjoy every moment of your pregnancy.
It is an emotional rollercoaster. You will experience the full rainbow of emotions on this journey. During pregnancy after infertility or loss, you may feel overwhelmed, panic, stress, anxiety, uncertain, unsettled, powerless, unprepared, scared, guilty, regret, pressure, grief, sadness, anger, jealousy, broken, worthless, resentment, hopeless, burnt-out, exhausted and disconnected (just to name a few 😊). And you may also feel joy, excitement, hope, and gratitude. This journey is constantly navigating your way through the sometimes-conflicting emotions – grieving what you didn’t experience last time, and celebrating the milestones you’re achieving this time. Oh, and all of these are on steroids because your hormones are on fire.
Stress will not cause a loss. I know people keep telling you that stress isn’t good for the baby, but in all the research I’ve done, and conversations I’ve had with fertility specialists, stress has never been linked to pregnancy loss. And while we’re on that topic, your attitude or your negative thoughts do not cause a loss. You cannot manifest a loss because you’re thinking about it. Nor can you jinx it by announcing too early or by buying that cute little onesie. Our fertility is a little more complicated than that.
Shutting yourself away from the world doesn’t help. While you may feel broken and paralysed in your fear, the best way to get though that is by connecting and speaking your truth. With a therapist or coach, with a friend, or with a community. Because when we turn inward, we remain stuck in the fear. But when we reach outside ourselves, we release the emotions and the thoughts, and gain strength and courage from receiving validation. We feel less alone. We feel less shame. We feel normal. And THAT is powerful.
Putting yourself first and setting boundaries is essential. I know this is an unpopular opinion because we’ve subscribed for years to the narrative that we must put other people’s needs and feelings above our own. But I’m here to tell you that it’s just not true. Your feelings matter too. We are all responsible for our own happiness. It is not selfish to look after yourself, or to ask for what you need. One of the greatest acts of self-kindness is to give ourselves agency – the right to choose how we spend our time, our money, and our emotional energy. No more living our lives according to the “should’s”. And if other people aren’t happy with that – that’s their problem.
It would be remiss of me to not highlight the positives of pregnancy after loss too. While it may feel like you are a victim to your circumstances, and that this journey has stolen so much from you (and it has), there is also power to be found here.
My journey through infertility, fertility treatments, pregnancy loss, and pregnancy after loss taught me a lot. It showed me how strong I could be – which has helped my confidence in dealing with hard things. It created a depth in my ability to feel – and while it also means I grieve deeply, I also love deeply. I am incapable of surface level conversations. I am able to sit with others when they are feeling all the things, without feeling uncomfortable, because I have an intimate relationship with grief. And because of that, life is more precious.
After spending so many years in survival mode, I have a greater appreciation of my time and emotional energy. I have learned coping strategies, and the value of not just pushing through. Of being kinder to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am still learning and unlearn a whole lot too!!
I want to teach all of this to you too! This journey robs us of our power, our self-confidence and our self-worth. But it doesn’t have to.
Inside Your Pregnancy Haven we are here to empower you. We are here to create change. In a situation where we feel completely powerless, we can take back control by learning and evolving. We are not victims to our circumstances. We aim for more than just to survive our pregnancy – we make room for peace and joy and excitement. We teach a better way, an easier way, that doesn’t involve pushing or doing more.
And we do this, not just for ourselves, but for our future children as well. Because we want to come out the other side feeling grounded and confident. It is ok to want more, because we deserve better.
If you’d like to know how you can feel more empowered in your pregnancy after infertility or loss, head HERE, or email me at jennifer@yourpregnancyhaven.co
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