Reduce your anxiety, and focus on the facts of your pregnancy.
Are you constantly worrying about things that never usually eventuate?
When you think about your path to motherhood – both past, present and future, your mind starts spiralling and it’s hard to bring it back. The onslaught of thoughts and emotions is overwhelming and exhausting.
When you look backward, you feel regret, guilt and self-punishment. You go over in your mind all the things you should have done sooner, you feel frustrated about the things you should have done differently, and you blame yourself incessantly.
When you look forward, there is fear, uncertainty and anxiety. You start speculating and trying to predict the future. Pregnancy after loss is filled with so many triggers. And because of the trauma you have been through to get here, your mind automatically goes into that downward spiral. Our mind assumes the worst, our bodies go into the fight or flight response…….and all logic leaves the building. No, it’s not just you, nor is there something wrong with you. This is the way our body was designed to keep us safe. Our wires just get a little crossed along the way.
For example – if we feel a twinge or a change in pregnancy symptoms – we start to compare it with a previous loss, or something we’ve read on the internet, and all of a sudden we’re making up scenarios. We’re convinced that this is the end.
The thing with all of this is that it’s not built on facts. It’s pure guess work. And when it’s guess work, we do a whole lot of worrying, and invest a crap load of emotional energy on something that isn’t real.
But imagine if you could find a space that feels a little safer, where you don’t have to go down that google rabbit hole and mentally prepare and picture what you will do next if (or in our mind, when) the worst case scenario does happen? A place where you can let go of the guilt, the regret, the anxiety……..and be sure about something for once. Yes, imagine having a little confidence.
Would you like to know where that safe space is (given the fact that I’ve really built it up now)?
It is the present moment.
Now don’t call bullsh*t on me just yet – hear me out. You may already be thinking – well I’m here, and there is a crap load of fear and anxiety in my lap right now. But is that fear and anxiety coming up because your mind is thinking about the future, or reliving the past? Is it because it’s imagining scenarios that haven’t arrived? Are you asking yourself questions about things in the future? i.e. how am I going to tell everyone that I’ve had another miscarriage? How am I going to survive another loss? Those are real questions, and they hurt. But you can’t answer those questions yet, because they are based on something that may or may not be true.
So how do you bring yourself back to the present moment and stop that downward spiral?
With the facts. The truth. Not the mental movie you are playing in your head. Not the story you are telling yourself. But the real story. I love that quote by Gloria Steinem – the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. You may be feeling like this right now. But let me explain how this can help set you free.
Let’s say you’ve just gone to the bathroom and found some discolouration in your underwear. You instantly go into panic mode and start planning for a miscarriage. You think of all the people you’re going to have to tell. And what about that project you’ve just started at work? You’re going to have to take time off, so how are you going to tell your boss? And then there’s your friend’s wedding on the weekend. How are you going to attend that while going through a loss? Are you going to have to do another round of IVF? And what about that holiday you book for next month? If you have to have a D&C, can you still go? And on and on and on……
Are you wondering why you’re so exhausted? I bet you didn’t realise all the thoughts you’re holding onto right now, did you? And this is just scratching the surface. I could write a whole blog on the questions we ask ourselves when we spiral out of control. Fun fact also - we have between 50-70,000 thoughts per day, and when you’re on this journey, most of them are questions about things we don’t have the answer to.
So instead of getting too far ahead of ourselves and wasting valuable mind space on things that may or may not happen, let’s bring you back down to earth, with the facts.
Grab out a notepad, or open the notes section of your phone, and start making a list of things that you need to tell yourself when you start to spiral. Here are a few examples –
The numbers of our last blood draws are looking good and are increasing.
Baby had a strong heartbeat at our last scan.
This is a new embryo and a new pregnancy.
My medical team know what they are doing.
I am doing everything I can to support this pregnancy.
I can't do anything right now to change the outcome.
I have a scan booked, and I will get more reassurance.
My doctors aren’t concerned and said everything is looking positive.
And those are the facts.
This is a technique you can use when you’re about to head into your next ultrasound appointment, or when you have a change in pregnancy symptoms and start to spiral
Bring it back to the facts. What do you know for certain?
Because that can give us a little relief. It can slow the thoughts down, and bring us back to the present moment. We are no longer punishing ourselves for things we should have done, or trying to twist ourselves in knots and getting overwhelmed with anxiety. We are overlaying a veil of reality. There is no mind struggle, no internal debate, just the simple truth.
As a realist and a straight shooter, this really helps me. And I hope it helps you too.
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