Stop dismissing our feelings. You are not over-reacting.
I’m coming in hot with a fire in my belly, and feeling a little ragey (is that even a word?) right now. I also have a message that I wish I could scream from the rooftops with a megaphone……
Stop saying dumb shit to those who are feeling vulnerable!! Your words matter.
This is inspired by a conversation that was recently relayed by one of our brave members inside our Your Pregnancy Haven community program. Not that I should have to preface with this, or even justify why – because this line of conversation was wrong on all levels - but this woman has suffered loss and trauma to get here, and has experienced bleeding in this current pregnancy. So understandably, she’s feeling more than a little on edge and raw right now.
While at work, a line manager asked her how she was doing. In her own words - I told her I was still feeling anxious and was about to tell her about my increased risk of pre-term labour, but she interjected and said OMG, you really need to stop now. You need to learn to be positive. Your poor husband! I hear how anxious you are at work, but your husband must hear it nonstop at home. Poor guy.
Let’s take a pause here, a deep gasp, and share a collective WTF??!! But it gets worse. Our member tried to finish her story about being a higher risk (we always try to justify and explain, don’t we?), and she was still dismissed and this woman continued to say – ah this is your second baby, and you’re not as old as my friend who was 36 and just had a baby, and it was completely fine.
This absolutely breaks my heart and pisses me off. And what makes me even more annoyed is that this isn’t an isolated incident. Women come into our community on a daily basis with insensitive comments that are made to them, that make them question their sanity. It increases their anxiety even further, and they start feeling guilty and feeling anxious about feeling anxious. Of course, it’s a vicious cycle.
Normally what we do in these circumstances is pull away, right? Our first reaction is shock, then probably anger, and then we sit with it a little while longer and think…..what if they are right?
As our member heartbreakingly relayed in her message to us……..I know my anxiety isn’t normal…..but I’m doing my best.
We start to doubt ourselves.
Meeting people where they are at, with compassion, is an essential human skill that we all need to work on a little harder. We’ve been fed all the toxic positive bullshit for so long, that any deviation from this is seen as a flaw in us.
If you’ve been on the receiving end of a conversation that dismisses your feelings, tells you that you should feel a different way, or compares your experience with someone else’s, I am so sorry. This is what I would like you to know.
YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING!!!
Pregnancy after loss or infertility isn’t “normal”. It is different. You have experienced trauma and/or loss to get here. Anyone who has experienced grief (and for those of you who don’t feel like you get to claim this emotion, you do!) is changed. It opens you up so you feel deeper, and understand the preciousness of life even more. It creates the realisation that bad things can happen to you, and it also opens you up to more fear – because you don’t want to go back and feel that pain of loss again. You have further to fall, because you know the deep hole that pregnancy loss or infertility can create.
Anxiety and fear in pregnancy are normal. We just don’t speak about it. Because this is supposed to be the most amazing experience, right?! People keep telling us to enjoy every minute, and when we don’t, we think that we’re doing it wrong. So we try harder and harder and harder, and wonder why we’re exhausted all the time.
You’re not doing it wrong – this is hard.
For those of you who feel completely seen and are yelling at your computer screen or phone as you read this – yes! I knew I wasn’t going crazy!! Take a deep exhale. You are not the problem – the situation is. You are not the problem – it’s people who don’t have the ability to show compassion or hold space for those of us experiencing challenging emotions, that are the problem.
Of course, knowing this and hearing it once isn’t enough. Sure, you can save this blog and my words to your phone for future reference, but this isn’t a once and done thing. Because along your pregnancy, you will have many conversations that dismiss your feelings. Each and every time you will start to doubt yourself. And each and every time you will need a reminder.
Which is what happens inside our community in Your Pregnancy Haven. How did our members react when this brave member shared her conversation? Well, there was a whole lot of anger, disbelief, angry emoji’s, swearing and outrage. There was validation, encouragement, love and support.
As our member responded - You being mad about it makes me feel better too. I wondered if I was being sensitive, but it made me feel like SHE was the one who was being insensitive. I’m so glad I shared. Thank you all for being here and for your uplifting words. Feeling loads better.
We can spend hours, days, weeks, and even months ruminating inside these conversations. They chip away at our self-confidence and make us question our self-worth and our sanity. This is what keeps us stuck. This is what perpetuates and amplifies our fear and anxiety.
And that’s what I love about the space we have created inside Your Pregnancy Haven. No matter what time of day or night it is (we are a global community), there will be someone inside who understands what you’re feeling and can provide you the confidence, and validation to pull you back up and stop the self-doubts. Because when you’re going through pregnancy after infertility or loss, there is no better person to support you through this, than someone who is going through it too.
When women come together through shared experiences, there is a connection, a solidarity, a deep knowing, that cannot be compared. The love and compassion shared inside our community often bring tears to my eyes and give me a little hope in humanity.
If you’re currently pregnant after infertility or loss, and would like to lighten the load you’ve been carrying. Put down the guilt, the self-doubt, the fear, the overwhelm. And gain confidence, friendships, new coping strategies, find hope, and peace and a warm fuzzy feeling inside. You can. Join us inside Your Pregnancy Haven today.
You can find more information HERE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO REDUCE YOUR PREGNANCY ANXIETY?
Join us inside Your Pregnancy Haven, our support program and community for women who are currently pregnant after infertility or loss.
✔ Receive 24/7 encouragement, love and understanding, in our community chat groups.
✔ Find support, knowledge and relief through our weekly group coaching calls, our in-house doula, and interviews with 30+ qualified experts.
✔ Experience hope and inspiration with our weekly emails, challenges and monthly magazine.
✔ Learn strategies and tools to help you take back control of your mindset, so you can reduce your fear, and feel moments of joy in your pregnancy.